| For many children, behavior problems are not | | | | They get two different messages from the |
| universal; they're targeted. Targeted at dad, at | | | | parents, and they get power by picking on the |
| mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at | | | | weaker of the two parents, confronting the |
| a sibling. The following two case studies reveal | | | | parent who challenges their power base or lashing |
| how normally charming and compliant children can | | | | out at the parent they deem is "unfair." Children |
| become defiant or even abusive with one person | | | | who target parents or siblings for acting out often |
| in the family. | | | | don't have high self-esteem. They are afraid to |
| Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was | | | | feel certain things or be confronted with certain |
| confident that her three kids would grow to love | | | | situations. So they try to control people by |
| David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, | | | | making one of the parents or a sibling a victim. |
| Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to | | | | It's a natural reaction for parents to become |
| David, but she thought she'd come around. Danielle | | | | divided when this targeted behavior is going on in |
| had always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. | | | | the family. Parents become angry at the child and |
| Lisa was wrong. Within a few weeks after the | | | | at each other. It's somehow easier for parents to |
| wedding, Danielle's behavior toward David became | | | | argue with each other over the child's behavior |
| openly hostile. If he so much as tried to assert | | | | than it is to demand that the child change. But this |
| himself in a parenting role, Danielle would blow up. | | | | is exactly what parents need to avoid. Parents |
| After one epic argument involving curfew, she | | | | have to join together and decide what they're |
| stopped speaking to David altogether--and hasn't | | | | going to do-together-when the child is abusive. |
| uttered a word to him in the last two years. | | | | Whether both parents witness it or not, both |
| Danielle will speak to everyone in the family, | | | | parents have to say, "There's no excuse for |
| except David, who remains the object of her | | | | abuse." Say this directly, clearly and firmly to the |
| unending wrath. | | | | child who is acting out. Don't look to blame the |
| Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan | | | | other kids in the family. Don't blame each other. |
| and their four children always tell them they look | | | | Put the responsibility for the behavior back on the |
| like "the perfect family" and compliment them on | | | | child who is acting out. |
| how polite their children are. But inside their home, | | | | Whether you are parenting the child as parents, |
| they are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old son | | | | step parents or foster parents, the most |
| Jacob is a tyrant, particularly toward his mother | | | | important word to remember is "We." In Danielle's |
| and his youngest brother. He uses intimidating | | | | case, when she rejects her stepfather, she is |
| language with Susan and is physically abusive with | | | | rejecting is the authority figure that he |
| six-year-old Tyler. "Jacob is all smiles when we're | | | | represents. Lisa shouldn't try to shoulder the |
| in public," says Susan. "But when we come home, | | | | burden of this conflict alone, and David should |
| he turns into this whole different kid." | | | | neither withdraw from the parenting role to avoid |
| Kids recognize and deal with people in different | | | | conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting |
| ways almost from birth. As infants, they respond | | | | matches with Danielle. Lisa and David need to |
| differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family | | | | stand together and be very clear with Danielle, |
| friend. This continues into childhood and | | | | saying, "We are both your parents. And if you act |
| adolescence. They recognize the differences in | | | | in a disrespectful way with either one of us, you |
| adults, and those differences often fall into two | | | | will be held equally accountable." |
| categories. Which adults have power and which | | | | The case of Jacob reminds me of my days |
| adults don't have power? Which adults can you | | | | working in youth detention centers. One day I |
| manipulate with bad behavior and which adults can | | | | remember asking a kid, "Do you curse at the |
| you not manipulate? As kids grow up, they | | | | staff in here?" And he said no. I asked him, "Why |
| recognize which adults cannot follow through on | | | | not? You curse at your mother." Kids know who |
| consequences, which ones accept their excuses | | | | has the authority and who doesn't. The kid in the |
| for inappropriate behavior and which ones buy | | | | detention center knew the staff members had |
| them things to win their allegiance. They learn | | | | authority and wouldn't put up with being cursed at. |
| which adult is always making excuses for them | | | | His mom didn't have authority over him, so he |
| and which one sets limits. | | | | cursed her. What Brian and Susan need to realize |
| When a child targets one person when he acts | | | | is that Jacob understands if he disrespects people |
| out, it's an indication that he has learned he can | | | | outside the home, the consequences will be clear, |
| feel powerful at the expense of that person, | | | | swift and uncomfortable. So when he disrespects |
| whether it's a parent, a step parent or a sibling. | | | | his mother or his little brother, the consequences |
| On the surface, you won't see the kid getting | | | | should also be clear, swift and uncomfortable. |
| anything out of this targeted behavior. It's not like | | | | They need to observe what is different and what |
| he gets out of a consequence by calling his | | | | works about his behavioral responses outside the |
| mother abusive names. He does it because he | | | | home and apply those things to their home. |
| feels like a zero, and when he can bully his | | | | The child who bullies specific people in the home |
| mother, he feels powerful. He feels weak and | | | | has to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and |
| shaky about himself and lacks self-confidence. | | | | competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents |
| When he puts her down, he gets self-confidence. | | | | should address two things: |
| It's a simple, basic behavioral dynamic. | | | | 1. They need to help the child develop specific |
| To understand what kids get out of this, imagine | | | | social skills in the areas of conflict resolution, |
| you have a boss that you don't like. Let's say that | | | | negotiation and compromise. |
| boss is a constant pain in the neck for you. How | | | | 2. Parents have to work together to set clear |
| often do you dream about telling him off? You | | | | and powerful limits to manage the behavior, |
| imagine what it would be like to tell him off and | | | | always remembering to be united and use the |
| think about how great you'll feel. It probably will | | | | word "we." |
| feel great for fifteen seconds, until you figure out | | | | The end result is that the child learns more skills |
| how you're going to find another job. It's the | | | | to manage his feelings and not to abuse one |
| same thing for these kids. They are telling off | | | | person or take things out on them. He learns to |
| their boss, and they get the same sense of | | | | manage those feelings of low self-esteem, |
| gratification out of it. To make it even better, | | | | powerlessness, confusion and helplessness himself. |
| they get to tell their boss off every day. In | | | | When parents teach these skills and kids learn |
| Danielle's case, she has been telling off the boss | | | | them, both sides end up happier. Even though the |
| for two years. | | | | child doesn't get his way as often and even |
| When children target a parent with their | | | | though the parent has to work at it a bit, they |
| inappropriate behavior, they have most likely seen | | | | both feel happier because they know things are |
| that there is a division in how the parents deal | | | | working in the family. |
| with the child-that the parents are not in alliance. | | | | |