| I was recently leading an adult Christian education | | | | wins or has any real fun. |
| class, and I brought up the following passage for | | | | Martha's control strategy is designed to create |
| discussion: | | | | obedience, not cooperation. She is using guilt and |
| Luke 10:38-42 | | | | shame to try to manipulate Jesus and her sister |
| As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he | | | | Mary into buying into her worried upset victim |
| came to a village where a woman named Martha | | | | point of view and the respective evil perpetrator |
| opened her home to him. She had a sister called | | | | roles. I'm not saying that she is conscious of this, |
| Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what | | | | just that this is the game she is playing in this |
| he said. But Martha was distracted by all the | | | | passage of scripture. It's not a game to her. It's |
| preparations that had to be made. She came to | | | | serious. I'm sure it never occurs to her that this is |
| him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my | | | | what she is doing in the moment, but Jesus will |
| sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell | | | | have none of it. He is serious with his words to |
| her to help me!" | | | | her and in his refusal to play the perpetrator role. |
| "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are | | | | The whole time she has been preoccupied, he has |
| worried and upset about many things, but only | | | | been speaking about the "one thing" that Martha |
| one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is | | | | can experience that will clear away her |
| better, and it will not be taken away from her." | | | | "distraction," her worries, and her "upset." He |
| (NIV) | | | | knows that what he is teaching in that moment |
| I had brought up the scripture to point out a | | | | could help Martha to stop doing emotional |
| couple of distinctions that I thought would be | | | | extortion for good. |
| useful for that particular discussion we were | | | | Here is what I picked up from the class discussion |
| having. But during our discussion, I was surprised | | | | around this scripture passage. I'm not saying it is |
| by the responses of some of the class members | | | | the one and only right interpretation. It's just a |
| to the perspectives that emerged. This is an | | | | perspective that (based on my recent |
| exploration of one of those perspectives and its | | | | experience) may be helpful to some readers. We |
| implications. | | | | all have aspects of our false selves (and true |
| I was not surprised by the fact that some of the | | | | selves for that matter) that we do not |
| people in the group felt like they identified with | | | | acknowledge. Over the course of our lives, we |
| Martha's situation. They thought that there really | | | | learn and absorb from other people thoughts, |
| was a lot of work to do. Shouldn't Martha have | | | | feelings, ways of being, fears, behaviors, and |
| received the help she needed? How has Mary | | | | strategies to help us get what we want and need. |
| chosen the better option in this circumstance? | | | | Most of this absorption happens outside of our |
| Does Jesus think so highly of his own teachings | | | | conscious awareness. We have come to believe |
| that he can't appreciate what the hostess is | | | | that to get what we need or want, we have to |
| trying to do? How could Jesus be so rude to | | | | play games. We don't think of them as games. |
| Martha and not appreciate what she was doing to | | | | For example, when we buy into the victim |
| welcome these guests into their home? And why | | | | perpetrator dynamic, the game appears to be |
| doesn't he offer to help Martha as any good | | | | very real. To those in the middle of it, it's just the |
| Christian would do? Shouldn't Jesus have said, 'I'm | | | | way things are. There is no alternative |
| so sorry, Martha! I was distracted by my | | | | interpretation available. |
| teaching, and was completely unaware of your | | | | Martha believed that she had to make preparation |
| needs. I was so selfish-only thinking of myself. | | | | for her guests. This belief was based on all of the |
| Please forgive me. How can I help you?" My claim | | | | ideas she had absorbed from men, women, |
| is that Jesus (as usual) says and does what is | | | | family, community, religion, and culture with regard |
| best in this circumstance. | | | | to what hospitality is, what makes her a good or |
| Now, I know there are multiple possibilities and | | | | bad person, and what makes her worthy or |
| levels of meaning, metaphor, and nuance in every | | | | unworthy of love. Because she is making these |
| passage of the Bible. Without this richness the | | | | preparations out of obligation, instead of a sincere |
| Bible would be a technical manual. In this article I'm | | | | desire to help and be of service, her actions, while |
| only going to focus on one possible point of view. | | | | falling under the categories of politeness, good |
| I'm not even going to claim that it's new or | | | | manners, or hospitality, are tainted. She isn't being |
| original. The reason I'm writing this article is that if | | | | motivated by love to do what she was doing but |
| the interpretation that arose out of the discussion | | | | by fear that what she thinks and feels about |
| in that class was a revelation to some people, | | | | herself might actually be true. She is afraid of |
| perhaps it will be for those of you who have | | | | what she will think and feel about herself if things |
| been guided to read this article. | | | | don't go as she thinks they should. She fears |
| Several of the people in my class had been | | | | what others will think and feel about her as well. |
| exposed to several studies and discussions related | | | | She may even be concerned with what God will |
| to this very same passage of scripture, and yet | | | | think and feel about her. |
| what came out of our discussion appeared as a | | | | If this is true, then it really is ironic how Martha's |
| new thing. Some had read the very same | | | | very attempts to make herself more lovable |
| passage quite a few times in re-reading the | | | | keep her from hearing the message that Jesus |
| gospels. It was amazing to see how our | | | | has for her of God's limitless Love for her and for |
| experiences with the Bible can be new each and | | | | all people. When I think about the end of this |
| every time we encounter it, if we are open. I | | | | passage of scripture, the image of Martha just |
| would also suggest that it can be this way with | | | | collapsing into Jesus' arms and weeping |
| absolutely everything in our lives, but that's a | | | | uncontrollably comes to mind. Was he able with |
| whole other article. | | | | his words and love to help her recognize that she |
| My sense is that there were a few things going | | | | needed to earn and prove nothing to anyone? Did |
| on with some of the class members when they | | | | she realize that she was made to be loved from |
| focused on this particular passage. They felt that | | | | before the beginning of time and that there was |
| Martha was working hard and was justified in | | | | nothing she could do to be loved by God any |
| asking for help. I think they also felt that Jesus | | | | more than she already was? Did she know in that |
| was really wrong to come down so hard on | | | | moment that God's Love is not a reward for |
| Martha as he did. I also sensed that there was | | | | being and doing good but a gift given to those |
| some ambivalence on their part as well because | | | | hearts and souls who are open to accepting and |
| this was Jesus talking this way to this | | | | receiving it? |
| overworked and stressed-out hostess. And Jesus, | | | | The victim/perpetrator dynamic is so common |
| being Jesus...well, you know, he's a nice guy (kind, | | | | that most of us take it for granted most of the |
| gentle, loving, compassionate, humble, and meek), | | | | time. It can be found in smaller and larger scales in |
| right? | | | | all of our social systems and institutions because |
| Well, Jesus's words can be interpreted as not | | | | we all love to play the roles from time to time. |
| being very nice to Martha in this passage. For one | | | | We and others play the victim or the perpetrator |
| thing, he doesn't even offer to help her. He | | | | and support others in playing these roles within |
| doesn't ask Mary to help either. He actually | | | | our families, marriages, religions, governments, and |
| doesn't even respond to Martha's request. He | | | | educational systems. The playing out of victim |
| speaks to her, but not about anything that she | | | | perpetrator stories is an integral part of journalism |
| said she wanted or needed. He actually told her | | | | and the workings of our political/legal systems as |
| that her lazy and insensitive sister was actually | | | | well. And no, I'm not advocating blaming the victim |
| choosing something better and more important | | | | either. All of us have experienced injury and |
| than she was choosing in that moment. This was | | | | injustice. Healing is needed for every injury we |
| Mary and Martha's home. Martha was working | | | | experience. |
| really hard at being a good hostess to the guests | | | | Most of us at some time or another fall into the |
| in her home. Mary was not. The class participants | | | | roles of the victim and/or the complementary |
| felt as if Jesus was saying that it was wrong for | | | | role of the evil, guilty perpetrator. This is going on |
| Martha to show hospitality. | | | | whenever two or more people use and accept |
| That is not what he was saying at all. He didn't | | | | guilt, shame, and/or blame as legitimate aspects |
| have anything to say about what Martha was | | | | of any interaction and allow these feelings to |
| doing. He was only concerned with how she was | | | | factor into the development of plans and the |
| being in that moment. He was pointing out to | | | | implementation of actions. Whenever you feel you |
| Martha that she was not being a good hostess. It | | | | are falling into this common trap, you'll usually feel |
| wasn't her actions that were the problem. Her | | | | it in you stomach, and you'll hear words like should |
| intentions were in error. What was motivating her | | | | and shouldn't, can't and couldn't. When this starts |
| to do what she was doing was out of synch with | | | | happening (or even after the drama is over) here |
| Jesus' teachings on the "one thing." This is made | | | | are a few questions you can ask yourself: |
| plain in her request of Jesus, "Lord, don't you care | | | | 1. What are the payoffs (costs) I experience |
| that my sister has left me to do the work by | | | | when I engage in the victim/perpetrator dynamic? |
| myself? Tell her to help me!" | | | | 2. What am I obligating yourself to in this |
| Jesus does not even mention what Martha is | | | | circumstance? |
| doing in his response. He talks about her "worries." | | | | 3. How could I allow myself and/or God to set |
| He refers not to her activity, but to the thoughts | | | | me free from this obligation? |
| and feelings that are driving her actions. Jesus' | | | | 4. What are the concerns that cause me to |
| issue is not with Martha's "preparations that had | | | | repeat these disempowering patterns? |
| to be made." He is pointing out how she is playing | | | | (Hint: They go much deeper than words can |
| the role of victim and seeking to make Jesus and | | | | express.) |
| Mary perpetrators of her victimhood. Martha's use | | | | 5. What are the possibilities for setting myself |
| of the phrase "don't you care" speaks volumes | | | | free from this pattern? |
| about what she is really doing. She isn't really | | | | 6. What are the possibilities for setting others free |
| asking for help. She is trying to act out a victim | | | | as well? |
| perpetrator dynamic. It has obviously worked for | | | | 7. How is my playing the victim/perpetrator |
| her before, or she wouldn't even try such a thing | | | | making me a prisoner? |
| as an adult. She is playing this role because she | | | | 8. How is my playing the victim/perpetrator trying |
| unconsciously believes that she must do certain | | | | to turn others my prisoner? |
| things so that she can feel and think particular | | | | 9. What am I afraid that I cannot get unless I |
| things about herself. She also must do what she is | | | | play this role? |
| doing so that others are inclined to think and feel | | | | 10. How could I allow God's Love into my heart to |
| specific things about her as well. It's also likely that | | | | set me free from guilt, shame, and blame? |
| thoughts about what God thinks about her are in | | | | We all have blind spots. They often take the form |
| the mix as well. She is seeking to control the | | | | of obligations- those things that we think we must |
| meaning of the situation in a way that reinforces | | | | or should do. When we act out of obligation |
| her ideas about who she is, who other people are, | | | | instead of responsibility, we are not responding, |
| who God is, and how the world really works. | | | | but reacting to circumstances with programs of |
| These kinds of interpersonal control games give | | | | thinking and feeling that have nothing to do with |
| those whose point of view is reinforced by them | | | | what is really real. Responsibility means that we |
| a sense of being right. This is wonderfully | | | | are able to respond with ability to what is |
| satisfying to most of us who are addicted to the | | | | happening. We often confuse obligation and |
| short-lived psychic and material rewards we | | | | responsibility. They are two very different points |
| receive from winning social control contests. Most | | | | of view. Responsible people choose to be |
| of us suffer from control addictions, but since | | | | empowered and to own their intentions and |
| they are so common, and since most people are | | | | results. People who are obligated deny the reality |
| willing to play along, we seldom see them for | | | | of their personal power and seek to acknowledge |
| what they really are, sick games where no one | | | | external powers as determinants in their lives. |