| It is often lamented that children are misbehaving | | | | home and country are telling them not to. |
| more and more. Whining, tantrums, back talk are | | | | Adults uncomfortable asserting their authority and |
| the norm. Parents are often at a loss on how to | | | | children unable to receive it has created a |
| manage their children's negative behavior and | | | | parenting mess. Parents trying to run their homes |
| struggle to set limits and stick to their rules. Most | | | | on the principles of individualism, independence, and |
| adults would agree that they are uncomfortable | | | | democracy, are running into problems. Mogel feels, |
| asserting authority in their home and disciplining | | | | "children are not our equals and they don't want |
| their children. Modern parents would be hard | | | | to be......a democratic system doesn't work very |
| pressed to give a reason why they are so | | | | well for.....children; it just makes them feel |
| uneasy. | | | | insecure." For children to grow up to be |
| Wendy Mogel, author of "The Blessings of a | | | | productive, and psychologically healthy they need |
| Skinned Knee", comments insightfully on the issue. | | | | authority figures in their lives. Those authority |
| She contends that many parents who grew up in | | | | figures need to be their parents and teachers. |
| the 60's, 70's and 80's have difficulty demanding | | | | Without limits and rules, children are unhappy, |
| respect from their children. Their ideals are of | | | | stressed, anxious and depressed. |
| egalitarianism. They were taught to embrace the | | | | To further complicate matters, kids have become |
| notion that authority should be questioned and | | | | very adept at pushing limits and snubbing rules. |
| challenged. Parents will put up with impolite, brazen | | | | Mogel warns, "Parents get fooled because their |
| and disrespectful behavior in the name of | | | | kids are such skilled debaters, but children are not |
| democratic equality. Mogel points out, "Political | | | | psychologically equipped to handle winning those |
| philosophy (is) sabotaging their home life." | | | | debates." Parents are exhausted by their children's |
| Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, also shed | | | | arguments, making it even more difficult to |
| lights on this complex problem. She states that, | | | | enforce rules. However, parents must maintain |
| not only do modern adults have difficulty | | | | their authority in their home because children need |
| commanding authority modern children do not | | | | them to and kids "don't have the maturity to |
| know instinctively how to obey their parents. She | | | | regulate their own television viewing, monitor their |
| attributes this to the human rights movement of | | | | own language or teach themselves good |
| the 1960's. That era changed our traditional | | | | manners." |
| mores. She says, "Adults no longer give children | | | | All is not lost. We can discipline our children. There |
| an example of submissiveness and obedience." | | | | are effective communication skills that we can |
| Before the 1960's, "Mom obediently did whatever | | | | use. One way is to make sure to accept our |
| Dad said...or at least gave the impression she did | | | | children's feelings and then use the word |
| because it was the culturally acceptable thing to | | | | "Nevertheless" to enforce the rule or limit. This |
| do....in the good old days few people questioned | | | | allows us to assert our authority kindly, gently and |
| the ideas that Dad's decision were final. " | | | | firmly. Children listen better when their feelings are |
| Nowadays, Mom and Dad are considered to be | | | | heard; it helps them maintain a semblance of |
| equal partners. Very few modern mothers feel | | | | dignity. |
| comfortable saying, "Just wait until your Dad gets | | | | Here are some examples: (You can repeat these |
| home!" Submissiveness and obedience at home | | | | phrases as many times as is necessary) |
| are outdated principles. | | | | Accept feelings and say "Nevertheless": |
| The problem persists outside our home as well. | | | | "I see that you are really having a hard time |
| There are also fewer models of obedience and | | | | turning off the T.V. Nevertheless, T.V. time is |
| submissiveness on T.V., in schools and on our | | | | over." |
| streets. All minority groups, as they should, are | | | | "I know it's hard to share, Nevertheless, these |
| demanding and gaining their basic human rights. | | | | toys are for everyone." |
| American culture values democracy, individualism | | | | "You seem very upset about not being allowed to |
| and independence. | | | | go to the mall with your friends, Nevertheless, in |
| Children are just following the trend. Consciously | | | | this house 10 year olds go to the mall with their |
| or unconsciously they have picked up on the | | | | parents." |
| ethics of their home and their society. They want | | | | "You are having a very hard time with bedtime |
| to be treated with respect and dignity just like | | | | and you seem very sad, Nevertheless, bedtime is |
| everyone else. They want to be independent and | | | | 7pm sharp." |
| celebrate their individuality. There is no frame of | | | | To learn more ways to communicate effectively |
| reference for them of dutiful, obedient, | | | | with your child, join us for our informative and |
| submissive behavior. Society has unwittingly | | | | inspirational parenting workshops at |
| taught children to fight for their rights and children | | | | Mogel, Wendy. (2001).The Blessing of a Skinned |
| are balking at the slightest attempts to reign in | | | | Knee. NY: Penguin Group. |
| their negative behavior. They can't listen (or | | | | Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. NY. Random |
| behave) because the underlying morals of our | | | | House. |